One Small Fish

I sadly have to share that the insults and complete lack of faith in our work as women continues . I had a negative encounter once more that brought me to tears . No matter how many times it happens it never gets easier. Why do people exist out there that seek to being others down ? In this recent instance it was - as is often the case - assumed my success is due to my  'going to the guesthouse' , implying I am prostituting myself . And yes men in Nepal feel entitled and arrogant enough to express this outrageous and mysogynistic claim . 'How did you get the women?' They ask. 'Who handed you the money ?' How dare they . Even though these comments make me want to work harder for our cause , I can't help but feel rage that they even exist . 

Have they no idea what I have done to get here? No. Still it is always assumed I did nothing . I am a leech, a thieft , a prostitute. Yet a man works in the black market , takes money from his rich corrupt uncle , and he is still a respectable man just doing what he must to survive and succeed . The double standards are still so frustratingly strong . 

Another way in which We at LWH continue to live under the power men hold over us is how the threats continue to grow as we move up the ladder and gain notoriety.

I am given larger offers, yes, but at grossly undervalued prices because I am a woman and it is assumed the person offering is doing me a favour. I am always commanded . But I refuse to devalue my products no matter how Amazing the offer. I am tired at these attempts at being squashed. I am feeling always at risk of being Sold out or Bought out as people see profit making potential in our growth and notoriety. Tourism , especially charity and voluntourism are huge industry in Nepal. And peoples mouths begin to water when they see that we've been written about in Forbes . I want to celebrate Our climb up the ladder but still I feel like a slave . Every decision I take very seriously, and I understand that the desire for others investment in our work could easily eliminate us. Instead I continue to consult the women on all major decisions as our continued independence is our central priority . Further , I want our growth to benefit local people not international business men and entrepreneurs.  

What is even more disturbing is that even my handling of various offers puts me at risk, as I still live in a society where women do not dare act firmly in roles of authority. Must I always censor every decision and careful action? 

There are so many people with so much wealth, It pains me to be low balled and undercut.

I do not want to sell out and start producing low quality for the sake of quantity . It is so important that we do good solid work in material and in the substance behind the physical product . I do not want to sell out and start producing low quality for the sake of late quantity. I refuse to do mass profit making orders .Why do people push for that one dollar from me when they sit a top a mountain of them ? Do they want poverty to continue ? 

 

It also pains me that people could even dream of using our cause for profit . Once more as we climb the risk of falling increases . Are we really a threat ? Will I ever be without fear of losing  everything we have built ?  Will I ever be able to just put energy into our project rather than struggling with these various energy draining affronts ? I am being pulled away from these negative and scary encounters when there is so much more I need to do here . The work and responsibility is perpetually piling up. Yet We are constantly challenged by the conflicts rife against all women in Nepal . 

I can't help but worry about the  potential for harm to our project as people are afraid of what we symblize for women and society . How can I continue to handle such great power as such a small fish ? As I continue to hold sting and true in our ideals I am still afraid . I have no connections , no rich uncle , no brother in government , nothing to back us in case We fall . 

I am tired of having to think the worst in others . Many people make this world dark . I came from huge hardship . My struggle has been huge as has all of ours . No one in my family or village is educated ... How to hold the strength to challenge the wales and sharks in this great sea as just one small fish ?